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The Exaggerated Tales Of​.​.​.

by Ryan Carter

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1.
[Intro:] Look, blood is pressed it stays up blood is pressed, it stays up blood is pressed Straight up! [Verse 1] I'm sitting eating hor d'oeuves.. pressed on a vacay, need a break from my work 24 years since my birth on this planet called Earth reppin my city that look like Hell, until I go back to Heaven, Hell, or a hole in the dirt, it's anybody's guess whichever come first stressin', I'm sweatin', I'm guessin' Look at my albums, that's sessions of insane expressions I beat my meat when I feel threatened I'm in the court like judge commit me, I got filthy obsessions Man this surely luck, wasn't destined I still got friends who been with me since Kenan & Kel we eating confetti, and then when we fight, I drop like a log Nick pulled a machete! whoa! Don't get that close to him jigga! Funny thing about talkin' about the three amigos Is that we make little fights bigger I'm pulling a weapon and squeezing the trigger they mad at me, this ain't no croissant man, coincidentally This is that late night Netflix after three Man this why my right-hand was mad at me dick is in agony Man, my butt-hole's the tightest, my views are biased my albums are bogus, my life is in crisis my goals are misguided, the country's divided I think I just gotta, thank God that we got it, pressed I don't know what I'll do about it we look like we got shanked, and we all finished college we honest and modest, oh gosh! [Hook] systolic's up for a long time really long time, BONSAI! diastolic's up for a long time really long time, BONSAI! it stays up blood is pressed, it stays up blood is pressed it stays up blood is pressed, it stays up blood is pressed [Verse 2] Look, I ain't gonna say that I'm wack or nothin' Cuz that implies on my dick or somethin' If I'm wacking somethin' its my cock you dummy you expect that, nothin' less or over, What! Where that blowjob that you offered, yo Not from you girl, where my vacuum go? I just sold it off on my eBay DANG! I'm always bout my business fam It is what it is, ask the fans to forgive You gotta come to Michigan and see how we live at 7-11 getting coffee and chips high blood pressure from eating this sodium-laced crap ain't this a trick! Be quiet I'm grindin a ghost for someone with no story, I swear I can make up the most Stop worryin' about what happens next I am just worried the fans will praise me less I'm still not famous enough, I need a little more yes I am convinced I'm the only one left that's still rocking a compass man [Hook] systolic's up for a long time really long time, BONSAI! diastolic's up for a long time really long time, BONSAI! They stay up I feel pressed, They stay up I feel pressed They stay up I feel pressed, They stay up I feel pressed [Verse 3] B.B. King just died, my face it frowns An inspiration for me, I can't let him down my daily faux pas, go into account when you see me at Kroger's or Walmart, don't hesitate, just point me out now I'm talkin hardcore jive, in the airport line Yeah my crotch is leaking but you can't inspect it Million dollar bail, judge I object it! Intelligent, never been dyslexia I pay my phone bill and neglect it asphyxiate myself with anesthetics At the bottom of the rap game, it's depressing record after record, you take me off your playlist cut my own brakes, must have a death wish at the gun range shooting, with depression blasting holes in my CDs all together I blew em apart, to put em back together [Repeat Hook] systolic's up for a long time really long time, BONSAI! diastolic's up for a long time really long time, BONSAI! it stays up blood is pressed, it stays up blood is pressed it stays up blood is pressed, it stays up blood is pressed
2.
3.
Let's Mingle 05:29
[Verse 1] Uh, picnic by the burning bush she pinched me on my hairy tush hula-hoop, double dutch, man Dang, tuna sandwich with no crust she's tired of my petty squandering I'm 'bout to take a trip to Orleans, uh Then an island that seems Hawaiian, uh Then make her disappear like the Mayans Yeah, now she find out I lied about my inches Yeah, I told her mind her fucking business, haha Shit she refused to wash my dirty dishes she's sucking my friends, I can't even grind with her Damn, she slap me all day and night kicked me in the butt so hard, now I don't shit right I get a restraining order, that's life Nick Da Quick tell the girls, I'm single for the night! [Hook] Yeah, Let's mingle race don't even matter black, white, asian, latino I'm licking on some of em, I'm sniffin on some of em Melissa Joan Hart got a teenage witch for me, wassup Yeah, Let's mingle, hey let's mingle tonight Let's mingle and I'm licking on some of em, I'm sniffin on some of em Melissa Joan Hart got a teenage witch for me, wassup [Verse 2] riding on the bus, in the back civil rights, but I cares less for the flack And I'm kinda feeling like a brat So when girls call, I text and send a selfie back chicks hate it when I do that shit And when I get home send her a dick-pic her husband call me back to see who that is Man I hate it when they do that shit Sponge-bob t-shirt, Batman drawers Now watch me take these cartoons off Girl I'm bout to set it off Yeah, I bang you for an hour, still can't get it up Swimming trunks and bathing suits can't swim I might drown, that's the honest truth when I finish quick, then she wanna fight Jiggamane tell them girls I'm single for the night [Repeat Hook] [Verse 3] Now she got on a skin-tight dress my crotch and zipper is compressed And I been gushing all day at her I make her feel Retarded like Ben Stiller She used to be my primary baby-sitter when I was little she tried to run off and take me with her I say straight up, she say she just playing Then I eats out her crevice filled with pork Spam Uh, dating the fine southern pine the Klan left me hanging on a clothes line I cut the noose off: two times about to cal the FBI: Hate Crime She charged a dollar, I paid ten dimes We both say we clean and we both lying now I got a itchy dong, what a fun night meet me at Starbucks if your single for the night [Repeat Hook]
4.
Remember when I used to watch and conceive them That's what I used to do delete and lose them Then I discovered you It was pain before pleasure That was the name of the game brought me leisure, baby left me entertained, yeah quality was crap long ago, baby, baby It wasn't very, very, very nice, you know Sugar, sugar, sugar Then my world eclipsed And it sparked my desire, baby And you showed me what Netflix could do Took me a little higher it was vivid and it you sparked my desire, baby And you showed me what Netflix could do Netflix it inspires, baby Reed Hastings I thank you Marc Randolph you too Oh, how I thank you You brought me so much And you showed me so many movies and documentaries That since you've been around I don't think I've ever felt this way before You know it's funny how I could change So quickly from a cold blooded person Thinkin' he's God gift to women Remember how I use to do that I must have been crazy then Remember when you used to...
5.
[Hook] Take That, Take That I said Take That, Take That, Take That Take That, Take That I said Take That, Take That, Take That I said... Take That, Take That I said Take That, Take That, Take That Take That, Take That I said Take That, Take That, Take That I said... [Verse 1] sorting through my options, of fatal toxins after 10 watching some porno vids jerking with wicked force Leave my body layin in a sick puddle of DNA on your front porch cuddlin with a flirt, refuse to touch my singing turns the choir into a glee club hanging out with thugs, refuse the drugs I'll end up just a rapper that you used to love (Bye-Bye) flyin' to the medicine cabinet, vomiting, having the chills exploding diarrhea while wrapped in a quilt Don't party in Detroit cuz I haven't been killed I'm laughing at the man when he hands me a deal, I'm sayin [Hook] Take That, Take That I said Take That, Take That, Take That Take That, Take That I said Take That, Take That, Take That Take That, Take That I said Take That, Take That, Take That Take That, Take That I said Take That, Take That, Take That [Verse 2] I'm disappointed in my acne ointment (Pssst) I rubbed it on my balls and got a raging boner this morning went to emergency to have the nurse survey she checked it out, banged me, found out she had a sex change! (WHAT!) Ok, it's a bad day, 50 shades gray, I work Help Desk and I'm really mad I don't get babes! (Psst) all I can do is cry (Yep), went on a blind date with a girl, she couldn't see out either eye perhaps, she was relaxed, while on the rag (Gasp!) but had to be flagged, by TSA, the airport scumbags (No! No! No!) paroled her after 12 days broham ran home just to see she, happy like Pharrell OH MAN! (Ooh!) if this Melissa Joan Hart poster comes any closer I'm having sex with this whole wall jokester (Splat Sound) two more pumps and its all over semen covers the wall, exhausted I fall over [Verse 3] WOW! WOW! Jizzin in broad day Dude you hit my face! You should'na been in the way! (My eye!) dinner by candlelight, dating a girl that's tight found out it's Caitlyn Jenner late last night (Aaaaaah!) pass me a Sprite, you live and learn go grab Mads Mikkelsen and let him take turns a cannibal if I should put it bluntly tell Katy Perry she better run because I'm hungry! Carter goes commercial, dude you can forget it gotta take a sh.... this is my only edit I'm quick to expose myself in a store ain't been arrested in a while, I'm too busy mugging Jim Crow 23, I better go eat me vegetables I'm iller than Donald Trump eatin a taco in Lesbian festival This song is serious, watch me spit game forgot my name, pee'd myself and I'm potty-trained [Hook] Take That, Take That I said Take That, Take That, Take That Take That, Take That I said Take That, Take That, Take That I said...
6.
Grownups (Skit) (free) 00:45
7.
[VERSE 1] I come from the place of deadbeat fathers get on the Maury show and scream and holler I'll never be the President of the United States way too intelligent, and great at debates You ever doubt me? I'll dispel it Know what I douse myself with? fuel propellant I douse myself while I wear a blonde wig I douse myself while I dance a little jig master craftsman like Geppetto, rhymes I give away on the coastline strolling down the esplanade It's Hammer-time and I'm dancing, flaming foolproof new breed and I'm jerking til I reproduce I'm in the traffic with my cock on HARD! (ON HARD!) Playing Katy Perry while I'm tugging my BALLS!, (BALLS!) wearing leather pants, but shit, they ripped! and now you see the ring that's hanging from my dick! alone at home, I'm at my best I don't get pressured no more, I get stressed 45, 39 YO D-E-T east-side tho sleeping with my Teddy y'all Haters want to see me fall It's obvious I'm humorous you are all the witnesses sleeping with my Teddy y'all Haters want to see me fall It's obvious I'm humorous you are all the witnesses, TRICK! [Chorus] Hurl, at my life I Hurl, at my life Hurl, at my life I Hurl, at my life liii-iiii-iiii-iiii-iife [VERSE 2] These rhymes are child's play (child's play) Go to Subway look for Jared, NO WAY (NO WAY!) It's a sick world, local to global Listen to The Unseen by Quasimodo (SHOUT-OUT!) a black chappie, everybody know me! Haile Selassie, Emperor of the masses never wear khaki, love to just piss and moan trick 'em, make 'em think I joke Use the rap game as a drop zone child for life, still own walkies-talkies sitting in the cubby-hold eating chips, lonely (eating chips lonely) got them public crabs, from an escort shack give me the shame and the fame, GOTTA HAVE THAT sleeping with my Teddy y'all Haters want to see me fall It's obvious I'm humorous you are all the witnesses sleeping with my Teddy y'all Haters want to see me fall It's obvious I'm humorous you are all the witnesses, TRICK! [Chorus]
8.
I sent you dick-pics on the I sent you, I sent you Yeah I sent you dick-pics on the cell phone at night when your all alone dick-pics on the cell phone at night when your all alone And when you hear that message ring That can only mean one thing and you know when that message ring That can only mean one thing Ever since I touched your titty You.. making accusations to the cops now telling your boyfriend, and I get knocked out oh that makes me frown, I besta back-out 'Cause Ever since I left a pool of splooj on your kitchen table, you eat out more so I blast my semen on your neighbors door scared those people that I've never seen before I sent you dick-pics on the cell phone at night when your all alone dick-pics on the cell phone at night when your all alone And when you hear that message ring That can only mean one thing and you know when that message ring That can only mean one thing Ever since I touched your titty, you, you, you You disagree when I mail you thongs You must be scared cuz my dick is long I plug the holes, you say it don't belong Ever since I touched your titty, you, you got exactly what I paid for 7 lap-dances by the backdoor at a strip-club I've never been before I sent you dick-pics on the cell phone at night when your all alone dick-pics on the cell phone at night when your all alone And when you hear that message ring That can only mean one thing and you know when that message ring That can only mean one thing Nowadays, all I do is stalk you when your bendin' over backwards by yourself stalk you when your cooking up a dinner for someone else Oh, I didn't know that you would swallow it for someone else you do it for the wealth you do it for yourself, Oh! now you never be alone now a guard always home Used to listen to you moan, such a hot woman You was in a zone, yeah be true to yourself add me to yourself I sent you dick-pics on the cell phone at night when your all alone dick-pics on the cell phone at night when your all alone And when you hear that message ring That can only mean one thing and you know when that message ring That can only mean one thing Ever since I touched your titty
9.
Kinda Famous 03:04
OK, I won't lie when I send Jigga a text, yep, I know he's not replying Just to let you know, I'm not a chump like him, I don't be dodging I'm the one that you dodge from I'm the one that you gon run away from, hide in the closet I'm the one you leave alone I'm the one that when you round your friends, you embarrassed just to say you know then apologize for the levels I be on, like he is dumb... son I'm young now, but God forbid I be a father figure better fucking reconsider, pot liquor sipping skipper Ryan Carter paraphrase known in Paris for apparently... Well, I would tell you, gotta move on anyways And when I'm with a stripper, I'm sniffing, before I pay prepaid, debit, or credit arranged for her take a Viagra tab earlier in the day for her Just to sell a CD, tell her do she know that.. I'm Kinda famous [Hook] you ain't gonna pull no triggers acting hardcore in front of lame wiggers I be yellin' what the problem is? running up they wanna take my freaking picture OH NO! I'm no longer that mysterious! OH GEE!, I must be going delirious! (AH YEAH YEAH! VERSE 2!) Wait, wait, waiting for it waiting wait, wait, waiting for it got the whole fan-base out there waiting for it new album once a year, they be waiting for it speaking of? Tell me who I'm speaking of? tell me who I'm really thinking of I left that studio exasperating, subpoena on my car laying for me With a pissed-off psychiatrist and police waiting for me DOWN N*****!, FUCK ON THE GROUND N*****! YEAH THAT FUCKER CALLED ME N*****, AND I'M ALMOST SHIT A BRICK don't know who they fucked with, reached on the ground and grabbed a monolith Then right after, swung it back, aiming at the chumps then I fell down, leaking out my enzymes OH SHIT! mutha fuckas name was Rick Grimes Hit me with the 45 like it's fucking showtime shot my dick, had to cap my ass like 9 times but even when I'm dead, I'm still there for ya I'm online, in other words still wit ya I'd probably live through that shit and go to jail for y'all As long as I don't get butt-raped or braid no hair for y'all I'm kinda famous [Hook] you ain't gonna pull no triggers acting hardcore in front of lame wiggers I be yellin' what the problem is? running up they wanna take my freaking picture OH NO! I'm no longer that mysterious! OH GEE!, I must be going delirious! (AH YEAH YEAH!)
10.
Feast Bro 03:36
Uh, mic check 1-2 (Go get 'em) Listen close, jigga, yeah Uh, if haters want it, they can get it unbelievable like Donald Trump working at a soup kitchen constipation is unimaginable, when I got watery shit Eatin' White Castle for breakfast, bitch man I was born to flip the script my first time it wasn't awesome a game of give and take smelled and sound like dead opossum you think this game is hard? well, living in this world is harder but don't mess with those drugs like Mary-Louis Parker AH! look at them, looking in the yearbook wishing they were nicer to me years ago on Facebook Click! I hit delete on all their fables friendship tends to blind us, like giant big green lasers And since I'm on your mind, I'm sure that you'll storybook me available everywhere online, it's hard to overlook me A whole nother shelf for my plaques is on my checklist failed at lining em up, never was too good at Tetris enough with braggadocio virtue cause I gotta get back to my house to make my curfew Guess I'm just a lame that got a voice in this world Selling CD's on my own like a lonely intern hanging out at Build-a-Bear super-cool grown-man stand Everywhere I go, security follow me, I'm the man And I sleep with my blankie still ya And always keep Melissa Joan Hart on my bedside table ya No, don't think your ready for me just yet Be more scary if I sign a major label contract What drug is he on? fuck you, kiss ass and be gone They handin' me my towels because they work at Bed, Bath & Beyond come on man! broad-day in the driveway my dick got sucked off hard by a lady (OH MY GOODNESS!) my raps might be corny, my rep might be dead but I'm quick to blow my top like a virgin getting edged Guess I'm tryin' to prove what's insane, I superseded it You don't wanna know the real me, better never freaking Google it Just know that I never pretend to be hard I know how to shoot guns and arrows, fuck security guards might get popped like Tuco Gangs in my town make me reverse And drive the fuck outta dodge like YOU KNOW!!! And, yes, some of the time I might clame to be tough But I just say take me to build-a-bear and give me a hug fans show me love That's why I'll always make music until the death of me haters talk shit, but ain't nobody tryna step to me I hereby request all my fans to inspect this album compare to the last two and get back with me Yeah, I'm just hanging in the mezzanine Netflix and chill party, bring a jar of Vaseline Not a weird man, but I got y'all perplexed Kinda simple on the surface, but deep down complex they call the albums I make, a mortal sin but check their playlist on Spotify, I'm there within not on the TV yet, but working on VHS I plan to reach the world, man, I'm starting from the PC's yes I put some music out, when I'm getting bored you may not like the way I look, but my songs are in the stores my name getting engraved on plaques, shall be the outcome and my rhymes are sicker than Jared Fogel's photo albums... PEACE! FUCK OUTTA HERE! NOW BREAK THIS DISC! CARTER! This world strange...
11.
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la [Verse 1] Never thought that we would ever be humping friends Now I'm all confused, after banging you, I got a funny feeling I first said it was boss to cross the line going in raw thought it'd be alright Now things are strange, my pee color changed And really I just want my dick back [Hook] and I'm crazy with this lady, her dang germs won't leave me alone (get these STDs out of my system!) I'm recovering in the ER, doctor said he won't make it long (make it long) and I'm crazy with this lady, her dang germs won't leave me alone (get these STDs out of my system!) I'm recovering in the ER, doctor said he won't make it long (yeah) [Verse 2] I'd hate to die today from you, I wish you never existed when we first kissed the moment after I got Herpes blisters Lately I gotta just stay away we brushed shoulders, I got public lice today you sucked on my shaft, now I got staph Damn I just want my dick back [Hook] and I'm crazy with this lady, her dang germs won't leave me alone (get these STDs out of my system!) I'm recovering in the ER, doctor said he won't make it long (make it long) Said my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (get these STDs out of my system!) I'm recovering in the ER, doctor said he won't make it long (yeah) [Bridge] oh oh oh oh oh yeah What happened to my pole I just don't know (oh yeah yeah) The pole I used to laugh and joke with The pole I used to tell all my secrets We had our thrills and were down for whatever whenever together yeah [Hook] and I'm crazy with this lady (oh) her dang germs won't leave me alone (cuz of this crazy lady!) I'm recovering in the ER, doctor said he (oh) won't make it long (cuz of you) said I'm crazy with this lady (yeah) her dang germs won't leave me alone (and I just don't know) I'm recovering in the ER, doctor said he won't make it long (said I just don't know if I'll make it now) we used to chill (yeah) watch some Netflix we used to do we used to do some many things together (yeah) yeah yeah yeah yeah oh oh yeah oh oh oh!
12.

about

Dude can rhyme, plain and simple. "The Exaggerated Tales of…" is a parody album of the first order and the thought that went into it is impressive. The main theme present here is sex and oddities and for those looking for a composition lighter than the norm, definitely give this one a go. ~Charles Sweet for CyberPR

credits

released April 18, 2016

Blood Pressure Ft: Artis Calloway
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(S.Anderson/R.Carter/A.Calloway) Def Jam Records(ASCAP)/Crazyone-Worldwide/Artis Calloway Productions
Recorded At: Calloway Studios Warren, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Eatin Chicken In Da Bucket
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(K.Brereton/R.Carter) Virgin Records(BMI)/Crazyone-Worldwide
Recorded At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Let's Mingle
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(S.Carter/R.Carter) Young Money Ent.(BMI)/Crazyone-Worldwide
Recorded At: WolfDen Studios Harrison Township, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Netflix My Desire
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(R.James/R.Carter) Def Jam Records(ASCAP)/Crazyone-Worldwide
Recorded At: Calloway Studios Warren, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Take That! Ft: Artis Calloway
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(J.Hernandez/M.Mathers/D.Holton/R.Carter/A.Calloway) Tommy Boy(BMI)/Shady Records(BMI)/Crazyone-Worldwide/Artis Calloway Productions
Recorded At: Calloway Studios Warren, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Grownups (Skit)
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(J.Rogan/R.Carter) Crazyone-Worldwide
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Hurl At My Life
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(E.Stevens/R.Carter) Sick Wid It Records(BMI)/Crazyone-Worldwide
Recorded At: Calloway Studios Warren, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Ever since I...
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(A.Graham/R.Carter/N.Serra) Cash Money Records(BMI)/Crazyone-Worldwide/WolfDen Productions
Recorded At: WolfDen Studios Livonia, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Kinda Famous
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(S.Anderson/R.Carter) Def Jam Records(ASCAP)/Crazyone-Worldwide
Recorded At: WolfDen Studios Livonia, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Feast Bro
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(C.Bridges/R.Carter) Def Jam Records(ASCAP)/Crazyone-Worldwide
Recorded At: WolfDen Studios Livonia, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Crazy (With This Lady)
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(T.Johnson/R.Carter) Def Jam Records(ASCAP)/Crazyone-Worldwide
Recorded At: Calloway Studios Warren, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Gave Them Nothing (Outro)
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(R.Serling/J.Morton/S.Martin/R.Carter) Columbia Broadcasting System/Paramount/Crazyone-Worldwide
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

All Songs Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Mastered By: Ryan Carter
Mastered At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI
Artwork By: Aaron Lapa

Artis Calloway appears courtesy of: Artis Calloway Productions
The Wolf appears courtesy of: WolfDen Productions

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Ryan Carter Detroit, Michigan

Ryan Carter is an award-winning independent recording artist from Detroit, Michigan.

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