The Exaggerated Tales Of​.​.​.

by Ryan Carter

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(free) 00:45
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about

Dude can rhyme, plain and simple. "The Exaggerated Tales of…" is a parody album of the first order and the thought that went into it is impressive. The main theme present here is sex and oddities and for those looking for a composition lighter than the norm, definitely give this one a go. ~Charles Sweet for CyberPR

credits

released April 18, 2016

Blood Pressure Ft: Artis Calloway
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(S.Anderson/R.Carter/A.Calloway) Def Jam Records(ASCAP)/Crazyone-Worldwide/Artis Calloway Productions
Recorded At: Calloway Studios Warren, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Eatin Chicken In Da Bucket
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(K.Brereton/R.Carter) Virgin Records(BMI)/Crazyone-Worldwide
Recorded At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Let's Mingle
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(S.Carter/R.Carter) Young Money Ent.(BMI)/Crazyone-Worldwide
Recorded At: WolfDen Studios Harrison Township, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Netflix My Desire
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(R.James/R.Carter) Def Jam Records(ASCAP)/Crazyone-Worldwide
Recorded At: Calloway Studios Warren, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Take That! Ft: Artis Calloway
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(J.Hernandez/M.Mathers/D.Holton/R.Carter/A.Calloway) Tommy Boy(BMI)/Shady Records(BMI)/Crazyone-Worldwide/Artis Calloway Productions
Recorded At: Calloway Studios Warren, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Grownups (Skit)
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(J.Rogan/R.Carter) Crazyone-Worldwide
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Hurl At My Life
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(E.Stevens/R.Carter) Sick Wid It Records(BMI)/Crazyone-Worldwide
Recorded At: Calloway Studios Warren, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Ever since I...
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(A.Graham/R.Carter/N.Serra) Cash Money Records(BMI)/Crazyone-Worldwide/WolfDen Productions
Recorded At: WolfDen Studios Livonia, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Kinda Famous
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(S.Anderson/R.Carter) Def Jam Records(ASCAP)/Crazyone-Worldwide
Recorded At: WolfDen Studios Livonia, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Feast Bro
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(C.Bridges/R.Carter) Def Jam Records(ASCAP)/Crazyone-Worldwide
Recorded At: WolfDen Studios Livonia, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Crazy (With This Lady)
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(T.Johnson/R.Carter) Def Jam Records(ASCAP)/Crazyone-Worldwide
Recorded At: Calloway Studios Warren, MI
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Gave Them Nothing (Outro)
Produced By: Ryan Carter
(R.Serling/J.Morton/S.Martin/R.Carter) Columbia Broadcasting System/Paramount/Crazyone-Worldwide
Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

All Songs Edited At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI

Mastered By: Ryan Carter
Mastered At: Crazyone Studios Centerline, MI
Artwork By: Aaron Lapa

Artis Calloway appears courtesy of: Artis Calloway Productions
The Wolf appears courtesy of: WolfDen Productions

tags

license

all rights reserved
Track Name: Blood Pressure Ft: Artis Calloway
[Intro:]
Look, blood is pressed
it stays up blood is pressed, it stays up blood is pressed
Straight up!

[Verse 1]
I'm sitting eating hor d'oeuves.. pressed
on a vacay, need a break from my work
24 years since my birth
on this planet called Earth
reppin my city that look like Hell, until I go back
to Heaven, Hell, or a hole in the dirt, it's anybody's guess
whichever come first
stressin', I'm sweatin', I'm guessin'
Look at my albums, that's sessions of insane expressions
I beat my meat when I feel threatened
I'm in the court like judge commit me, I got filthy obsessions
Man this surely luck, wasn't destined
I still got friends who been with me since Kenan & Kel
we eating confetti, and then when we fight, I drop like a log
Nick pulled a machete! whoa! Don't get that close to him jigga!
Funny thing about talkin' about the three amigos
Is that we make little fights bigger
I'm pulling a weapon and squeezing the trigger
they mad at me, this ain't no croissant man, coincidentally
This is that late night Netflix after three
Man this why my right-hand was mad at me
dick is in agony
Man, my butt-hole's the tightest, my views are biased
my albums are bogus, my life is in crisis
my goals are misguided, the country's divided
I think I just gotta, thank God that we got it, pressed
I don't know what I'll do about it
we look like we got shanked, and we all finished college
we honest and modest, oh gosh!

[Hook]
systolic's up for a long time really long time, BONSAI!
diastolic's up for a long time really long time, BONSAI!
it stays up blood is pressed, it stays up blood is pressed
it stays up blood is pressed,
it stays up blood is pressed

[Verse 2]
Look, I ain't gonna say that I'm wack or nothin'
Cuz that implies on my dick or somethin'
If I'm wacking somethin' its my cock you dummy
you expect that, nothin' less or over, What!
Where that blowjob that you offered, yo
Not from you girl, where my vacuum go?
I just sold it off on my eBay DANG!
I'm always bout my business fam
It is what it is, ask the fans to forgive
You gotta come to Michigan and see how we live
at 7-11 getting coffee and chips
high blood pressure from eating this sodium-laced crap
ain't this a trick!
Be quiet I'm grindin a ghost
for someone with no story, I swear I can make up the most
Stop worryin' about what happens next
I am just worried the fans will praise me less
I'm still not famous enough, I need a little more yes
I am convinced I'm the only one left that's still rocking a compass man

[Hook]
systolic's up for a long time really long time, BONSAI!
diastolic's up for a long time really long time, BONSAI!
They stay up I feel pressed, They stay up I feel pressed
They stay up I feel pressed,
They stay up I feel pressed

[Verse 3]
B.B. King just died, my face it frowns
An inspiration for me, I can't let him down
my daily faux pas, go into account
when you see me at Kroger's or Walmart, don't hesitate, just point me out
now I'm talkin hardcore jive, in the airport line
Yeah my crotch is leaking but you can't inspect it
Million dollar bail, judge I object it!
Intelligent, never been dyslexia
I pay my phone bill and neglect it
asphyxiate myself with anesthetics
At the bottom of the rap game, it's depressing
record after record, you take me off your playlist
cut my own brakes, must have a death wish
at the gun range shooting, with depression
blasting holes in my CDs all together
I blew em apart, to put em back together

[Repeat Hook]
systolic's up for a long time really long time, BONSAI!
diastolic's up for a long time really long time, BONSAI!
it stays up blood is pressed, it stays up blood is pressed
it stays up blood is pressed,
it stays up blood is pressed
Track Name: Let's Mingle
[Verse 1]
Uh, picnic by the burning bush
she pinched me on my hairy tush
hula-hoop, double dutch, man
Dang, tuna sandwich with no crust
she's tired of my petty squandering
I'm 'bout to take a trip to Orleans, uh
Then an island that seems Hawaiian, uh
Then make her disappear like the Mayans
Yeah, now she find out I lied about my inches
Yeah, I told her mind her fucking business, haha
Shit she refused to wash my dirty dishes
she's sucking my friends, I can't even grind with her
Damn, she slap me all day and night
kicked me in the butt so hard, now I don't shit right
I get a restraining order, that's life
Nick Da Quick tell the girls, I'm single for the night!

[Hook]
Yeah, Let's mingle
race don't even matter black, white, asian, latino
I'm licking on some of em, I'm sniffin on some of em
Melissa Joan Hart got a teenage witch for me, wassup
Yeah, Let's mingle, hey let's mingle
tonight Let's mingle
and I'm licking on some of em, I'm sniffin on some of em
Melissa Joan Hart got a teenage witch for me, wassup

[Verse 2]
riding on the bus, in the back
civil rights, but I cares less for the flack
And I'm kinda feeling like a brat
So when girls call, I text and send a selfie back
chicks hate it when I do that shit
And when I get home send her a dick-pic
her husband call me back to see who that is
Man I hate it when they do that shit
Sponge-bob t-shirt, Batman drawers
Now watch me take these cartoons off
Girl I'm bout to set it off
Yeah, I bang you for an hour, still can't get it up
Swimming trunks and bathing suits
can't swim I might drown, that's the honest truth
when I finish quick, then she wanna fight
Jiggamane tell them girls I'm single for the night

[Repeat Hook]

[Verse 3]
Now she got on a skin-tight dress
my crotch and zipper is compressed
And I been gushing all day at her
I make her feel Retarded like Ben Stiller
She used to be my primary baby-sitter
when I was little she tried to run off and take me with her
I say straight up, she say she just playing
Then I eats out her crevice filled with pork Spam
Uh, dating the fine southern pine
the Klan left me hanging on a clothes line
I cut the noose off: two times
about to cal the FBI: Hate Crime
She charged a dollar, I paid ten dimes
We both say we clean and we both lying
now I got a itchy dong, what a fun night
meet me at Starbucks if your single for the night

[Repeat Hook]
Track Name: Netflix My Desire
Remember when I used to

watch and conceive them
That's what I used to do
delete and lose them
Then I discovered you

It was pain before pleasure
That was the name of the game
brought me leisure, baby
left me entertained, yeah

quality was crap long ago, baby, baby
It wasn't very, very, very nice, you know
Sugar, sugar, sugar
Then my world eclipsed

And it sparked my desire, baby
And you showed me what Netflix could do
Took me a little higher
it was vivid and it

you sparked my desire, baby
And you showed me what Netflix could do
Netflix it inspires, baby
Reed Hastings I thank you

Marc Randolph you too
Oh, how I thank you
You brought me so much
And you showed me so many movies and documentaries

That since you've been around
I don't think I've ever felt this way before
You know it's funny how I could change
So quickly from a cold blooded person

Thinkin' he's God gift to women
Remember how I use to do that
I must have been crazy then
Remember when you used to...
Track Name: Take That Ft: Artis Calloway
[Hook]
Take That, Take That
I said Take That, Take That, Take That
Take That, Take That
I said Take That, Take That, Take That
I said...
Take That, Take That
I said Take That, Take That, Take That
Take That, Take That
I said Take That, Take That, Take That
I said...

[Verse 1]
sorting through my options, of fatal toxins
after 10 watching some porno vids
jerking with wicked force
Leave my body layin in a sick puddle of DNA
on your front porch
cuddlin with a flirt, refuse to touch
my singing turns the choir into a glee club
hanging out with thugs, refuse the drugs
I'll end up just a rapper that you used to love (Bye-Bye)
flyin' to the medicine cabinet, vomiting, having the chills
exploding diarrhea while wrapped in a quilt
Don't party in Detroit cuz I haven't been killed
I'm laughing at the man when he hands me a deal, I'm sayin

[Hook]
Take That, Take That
I said Take That, Take That, Take That
Take That, Take That
I said Take That, Take That, Take That
Take That, Take That
I said Take That, Take That, Take That
Take That, Take That
I said Take That, Take That, Take That

[Verse 2]
I'm disappointed in my acne ointment (Pssst)
I rubbed it on my balls and got a raging boner this morning
went to emergency to have the nurse survey
she checked it out, banged me, found out she had a sex change! (WHAT!)
Ok, it's a bad day, 50 shades gray, I work Help Desk
and I'm really mad I don't get babes! (Psst)
all I can do is cry (Yep), went on a blind date with a girl, she couldn't see out either eye
perhaps, she was relaxed, while on the rag (Gasp!)
but had to be flagged, by TSA, the airport scumbags (No! No! No!)
paroled her after 12 days broham
ran home just to see she, happy like Pharrell OH MAN! (Ooh!)
if this Melissa Joan Hart poster comes any closer
I'm having sex with this whole wall jokester (Splat Sound)
two more pumps and its all over
semen covers the wall, exhausted I fall over

[Verse 3]
WOW! WOW! Jizzin in broad day
Dude you hit my face!
You should'na been in the way! (My eye!)
dinner by candlelight, dating a girl that's tight
found out it's Caitlyn Jenner late last night (Aaaaaah!)
pass me a Sprite, you live and learn
go grab Mads Mikkelsen and let him take turns
a cannibal if I should put it bluntly
tell Katy Perry she better run because I'm hungry!
Carter goes commercial, dude you can forget it
gotta take a sh.... this is my only edit
I'm quick to expose myself in a store
ain't been arrested in a while, I'm too busy mugging Jim Crow
23, I better go eat me vegetables
I'm iller than Donald Trump eatin a taco in Lesbian festival
This song is serious, watch me spit game
forgot my name, pee'd myself and I'm potty-trained

[Hook]
Take That, Take That
I said Take That, Take That, Take That
Take That, Take That
I said Take That, Take That, Take That
I said...
Track Name: Hurl At My Life
[VERSE 1]
I come from the place of deadbeat fathers
get on the Maury show and scream and holler
I'll never be the President of the United States
way too intelligent, and great at debates
You ever doubt me? I'll dispel it
Know what I douse myself with? fuel propellant
I douse myself while I wear a blonde wig
I douse myself while I dance a little jig
master craftsman like Geppetto, rhymes I give away
on the coastline strolling down the esplanade
It's Hammer-time and I'm dancing, flaming foolproof
new breed and I'm jerking til I reproduce
I'm in the traffic with my cock on HARD! (ON HARD!)
Playing Katy Perry while I'm tugging my BALLS!, (BALLS!)
wearing leather pants, but shit, they ripped!
and now you see the ring that's hanging from my dick!
alone at home, I'm at my best
I don't get pressured no more, I get stressed
45, 39 YO
D-E-T east-side tho
sleeping with my Teddy y'all
Haters want to see me fall
It's obvious I'm humorous
you are all the witnesses
sleeping with my Teddy y'all
Haters want to see me fall
It's obvious I'm humorous
you are all the witnesses, TRICK!

[Chorus]
Hurl, at my life
I Hurl, at my life
Hurl, at my life
I Hurl, at my life liii-iiii-iiii-iiii-iife

[VERSE 2]
These rhymes are child's play (child's play)
Go to Subway look for Jared, NO WAY (NO WAY!)
It's a sick world, local to global
Listen to The Unseen by Quasimodo (SHOUT-OUT!)
a black chappie, everybody know me!
Haile Selassie, Emperor of the masses
never wear khaki, love to just piss and moan
trick 'em, make 'em think I joke
Use the rap game as a drop zone
child for life, still own walkies-talkies
sitting in the cubby-hold eating chips, lonely (eating chips lonely)
got them public crabs, from an escort shack
give me the shame and the fame, GOTTA HAVE THAT
sleeping with my Teddy y'all
Haters want to see me fall
It's obvious I'm humorous
you are all the witnesses
sleeping with my Teddy y'all
Haters want to see me fall
It's obvious I'm humorous
you are all the witnesses, TRICK!

[Chorus]
Track Name: Ever Since I..
I sent you dick-pics on the
I sent you, I sent you
Yeah

I sent you dick-pics on the cell phone
at night when your all alone
dick-pics on the cell phone
at night when your all alone
And when you hear that message ring
That can only mean one thing
and you know when that message ring
That can only mean one thing

Ever since I touched your titty
You.. making accusations to the cops now
telling your boyfriend, and I get knocked out
oh that makes me frown, I besta back-out
'Cause Ever since I left a pool of splooj
on your kitchen table, you eat out more
so I blast my semen on your neighbors door
scared those people that I've never seen before

I sent you dick-pics on the cell phone
at night when your all alone
dick-pics on the cell phone
at night when your all alone
And when you hear that message ring
That can only mean one thing
and you know when that message ring
That can only mean one thing

Ever since I touched your titty, you, you, you
You disagree when I mail you thongs
You must be scared cuz my dick is long
I plug the holes, you say it don't belong
Ever since I touched your titty,
you, you got exactly what I paid for
7 lap-dances by the backdoor
at a strip-club I've never been before

I sent you dick-pics on the cell phone
at night when your all alone
dick-pics on the cell phone
at night when your all alone
And when you hear that message ring
That can only mean one thing
and you know when that message ring
That can only mean one thing

Nowadays, all I do is
stalk you when your bendin' over backwards by yourself
stalk you when your cooking up a dinner for someone else
Oh, I didn't know that you would swallow it for someone else
you do it for the wealth
you do it for yourself, Oh!
now you never be alone
now a guard always home
Used to listen to you moan, such a hot woman
You was in a zone, yeah
be true to yourself
add me to yourself

I sent you dick-pics on the cell phone
at night when your all alone
dick-pics on the cell phone
at night when your all alone
And when you hear that message ring
That can only mean one thing
and you know when that message ring
That can only mean one thing

Ever since I touched your titty
Track Name: Kinda Famous
OK, I won't lie
when I send Jigga a text, yep, I know he's not replying
Just to let you know, I'm not a chump like him, I don't be dodging
I'm the one that you dodge from
I'm the one that you gon run away from, hide in the closet
I'm the one you leave alone
I'm the one that when you round your friends, you embarrassed just to say you know
then apologize for the levels I be on, like he is dumb... son
I'm young now, but God forbid I be a father figure
better fucking reconsider, pot liquor sipping skipper
Ryan Carter paraphrase known in Paris for apparently...
Well, I would tell you, gotta move on anyways
And when I'm with a stripper, I'm sniffing, before I pay
prepaid, debit, or credit arranged for her
take a Viagra tab earlier in the day for her
Just to sell a CD, tell her do she know that..
I'm Kinda famous

[Hook]
you ain't gonna pull no triggers
acting hardcore in front of lame wiggers
I be yellin' what the problem is?
running up they wanna take my freaking picture
OH NO! I'm no longer that mysterious!
OH GEE!, I must be going delirious! (AH YEAH YEAH! VERSE 2!)

Wait, wait, waiting for it
waiting wait, wait, waiting for it
got the whole fan-base out there waiting for it
new album once a year, they be waiting for it
speaking of? Tell me who I'm speaking of?
tell me who I'm really thinking of
I left that studio exasperating, subpoena on my car laying for me
With a pissed-off psychiatrist and police waiting for me
DOWN N*****!, FUCK ON THE GROUND N*****!
YEAH THAT FUCKER CALLED ME N*****, AND I'M ALMOST SHIT A BRICK
don't know who they fucked with, reached on the ground and grabbed a monolith
Then right after, swung it back, aiming at the chumps
then I fell down, leaking out my enzymes
OH SHIT! mutha fuckas name was Rick Grimes
Hit me with the 45 like it's fucking showtime
shot my dick, had to cap my ass like 9 times
but even when I'm dead, I'm still there for ya
I'm online, in other words still wit ya
I'd probably live through that shit and go to jail for y'all
As long as I don't get butt-raped or braid no hair for y'all
I'm kinda famous

[Hook]
you ain't gonna pull no triggers
acting hardcore in front of lame wiggers
I be yellin' what the problem is?
running up they wanna take my freaking picture
OH NO! I'm no longer that mysterious!
OH GEE!, I must be going delirious! (AH YEAH YEAH!)
Track Name: Feast Bro
Uh, mic check 1-2 (Go get 'em)
Listen close, jigga, yeah

Uh, if haters want it, they can get it
unbelievable like Donald Trump working at a soup kitchen
constipation is unimaginable, when I got watery shit
Eatin' White Castle for breakfast, bitch
man I was born to flip the script
my first time it wasn't awesome
a game of give and take
smelled and sound like dead opossum
you think this game is hard?
well, living in this world is harder
but don't mess with those drugs like Mary-Louis Parker
AH! look at them, looking in the yearbook
wishing they were nicer to me years ago on Facebook
Click! I hit delete on all their fables
friendship tends to blind us, like giant big green lasers
And since I'm on your mind, I'm sure that you'll storybook me
available everywhere online, it's hard to overlook me
A whole nother shelf for my plaques is on my checklist
failed at lining em up, never was too good at Tetris
enough with braggadocio virtue
cause I gotta get back to my house to make my curfew
Guess I'm just a lame that got a voice in this world
Selling CD's on my own like a lonely intern
hanging out at Build-a-Bear super-cool grown-man stand
Everywhere I go, security follow me, I'm the man
And I sleep with my blankie still ya
And always keep Melissa Joan Hart on my bedside table ya
No, don't think your ready for me just yet
Be more scary if I sign a major label contract
What drug is he on? fuck you, kiss ass and be gone
They handin' me my towels because they work at Bed, Bath & Beyond
come on man! broad-day in the driveway
my dick got sucked off hard by a lady (OH MY GOODNESS!)
my raps might be corny, my rep might be dead
but I'm quick to blow my top like a virgin getting edged
Guess I'm tryin' to prove what's insane, I superseded it
You don't wanna know the real me, better never freaking Google it
Just know that I never pretend to be hard
I know how to shoot guns and arrows, fuck security guards
might get popped like Tuco
Gangs in my town make me reverse
And drive the fuck outta dodge like YOU KNOW!!!
And, yes, some of the time I might clame to be tough
But I just say take me to build-a-bear and give me a hug
fans show me love
That's why I'll always make music until the death of me
haters talk shit, but ain't nobody tryna step to me
I hereby request all my fans to inspect this album
compare to the last two and get back with me
Yeah, I'm just hanging in the mezzanine
Netflix and chill party, bring a jar of Vaseline
Not a weird man, but I got y'all perplexed
Kinda simple on the surface, but deep down complex
they call the albums I make, a mortal sin
but check their playlist on Spotify, I'm there within
not on the TV yet, but working on VHS
I plan to reach the world, man, I'm starting from the PC's yes
I put some music out, when I'm getting bored
you may not like the way I look, but my songs are in the stores
my name getting engraved on plaques, shall be the outcome
and my rhymes are sicker than Jared Fogel's photo albums...
PEACE! FUCK OUTTA HERE! NOW BREAK THIS DISC!
CARTER!
This world strange...
Track Name: Crazy (With This Lady)
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
la la

[Verse 1]
Never thought that we would ever be humping friends
Now I'm all confused, after banging you, I got a funny feeling
I first said it was boss to cross the line
going in raw thought it'd be alright
Now things are strange, my pee color changed
And really I just want my dick back

[Hook]
and I'm crazy with this lady, her dang germs won't leave me alone (get these STDs out of my system!)
I'm recovering in the ER, doctor said he won't make it long (make it long)
and I'm crazy with this lady, her dang germs won't leave me alone (get these STDs out of my system!)
I'm recovering in the ER, doctor said he won't make it long (yeah)

[Verse 2]
I'd hate to die today from you, I wish you never existed
when we first kissed the moment after I got Herpes blisters
Lately I gotta just stay away
we brushed shoulders, I got public lice today
you sucked on my shaft, now I got staph
Damn I just want my dick back

[Hook]
and I'm crazy with this lady, her dang germs won't leave me alone (get these STDs out of my system!)
I'm recovering in the ER, doctor said he won't make it long (make it long)
Said my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (get these STDs out of my system!)
I'm recovering in the ER, doctor said he won't make it long (yeah)

[Bridge]
oh oh oh oh oh yeah
What happened to my pole I just don't know (oh yeah yeah)
The pole I used to laugh and joke with
The pole I used to tell all my secrets
We had our thrills and were down for whatever whenever together yeah

[Hook]
and I'm crazy with this lady (oh) her dang germs won't leave me alone (cuz of this crazy lady!)
I'm recovering in the ER, doctor said he (oh) won't make it long (cuz of you)
said I'm crazy with this lady (yeah) her dang germs won't leave me alone (and I just don't know)
I'm recovering in the ER, doctor said he won't make it long (said I just don't know if I'll make it now)
we used to chill (yeah) watch some Netflix
we used to do we used to do some many things together (yeah)
yeah yeah yeah yeah
oh oh
yeah
oh oh oh!